Troubled Faces and Heavy Hearts

Last Friday was the final Friday of the month. And the kids knew that meant visitation day. Some were silent in sorrow for they knew they would not be seeing their parents. Fito, Pamela, and Daniela are not allowed to be seen by their mother because of the unspeakable pain she put them through. But, most displayed excitement on their faces. After breakfast, the children put on their nicest clothing. Bryan and Fito dressed in their black slacks and white button down shirts. With much enthusiasm, they asked me to help with their clip on ties. We opened the hair gel and they had me fix their hair, which was no easy task. I did it over and over again until it looked just right,by their standards of course. All eighteen of us loaded up the white Ford van and headed toward the State Orphanage. With a few delays, three vomiting children, one happening to be on me, we pulled into the State Orphanage in the city. Waiting at the gate was Cindy and Maryuri’s mother. She was a young twenty year old Honduran who became much older with the birth of her now 6 year old daughter. The world had aged her, making her look much older than twenty. But she came to see the children she had birthed but could no longer afford to care for. She treated them with love, bringing them treats and playing games the entire two hours of the visit. She was the only mother to show up. Still hope lingered for the other children, never giving up on the parents who seemed to give up on them.
They became onlookers to the love between the one mother and her children. Bryan sat on the steps, his head resting in his hands. He was probably the most excited to see his mother that day. It pained me to see him distraught as he was. The steps quickly filled with the other children watching what fun kids can have with their parents. Some tried to join the games; others just wore their emotions on their sad faces.
Cindy and Maryuri finished a game of tag with their mother in the small pavilion. Soon after they left, I became the Papi. Daniela wanted to play the same game. She laughed like she hadn’t a care in the world. I tried to fill in some shoes that I wasn’t sure would fit me. Simple games filled these troubled faces with joy. We substituted in as father and mother figures where they were absent. To comfort these heavy hearts was to be comforted. God used us when the kids needed us most.

Where there is doubt, have faith

Fear, doubt, nervousness, anxiety, regret, uncertainty…. All these emotions stirred in my heart, mind, and stomach as I attempted to ready myself to begin life in Honduras. Questions claimed my thoughts. What was I thinking, committing two months to a foreign country? Do I really think I can handle this? Do I belong down there? Can this really be what God has planned for me? To increase the worry that consumed me, Casa de Esperanza had so many unanswered questions of there own.
Rainy days rarely provide redeeming moments. The day we landed in San Pedro Sula was gloomy and the rain fell heavy on my doubts. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, let them meander around in my mind for a few hours. I was almost looking forward to the solitude in my head on the 5 hour bus ride to Santa Ana. To my dismay, I learned we were staying at a hotel in San Pedro Sula. My hopes fell. I wanted to be somewhere familiar and refrain from feeling this way.
But, God has a funny way of dealing with the doubter. His love is going to see us through whatever it is that we think we need to be hung up on.
Jesus never gave up on the most skeptical of all doubters. Thomas said “Unless I see the wounds from the nails in his hands, and put my finger into the wounds from the nails, and put my hand into his side, I will never believe it!” In his disbelief, Jesus came to Thomas through a wall, and because that was not enough Jesus said “Touch me, feel my side, believe.”
Christ lifted my doubts in the same way when walked into that little hotel room in San Pedro Sula. The five brothers stood there with smiles from ear to ear. (The five brothers just recently left the orphanage, but I spent time with them in March) I heard Jesus, “touch me, believe this is where I want you,” as I bent down and wrapped my arms around Marvin and he eagerly shouted “Mike.”
“Where there is doubt; faith.” Saint Francis of Assisi once said. When in doubt, have faith in Christ.
Things were finally starting to feel right, even after Marvin vomited out the window and into my face. Unfortunately, we had to leave the boys and head to Santa Ana. The car had a hallow sadness looming inside as we watched the boys get smaller from the back window.
Soon the Father comforted me yet again. Touch me again. Have no doubt. I am with you. Believe.
“Papi,” I hear a sweet familiar voice and it melts my heart. I see my baby girl, Daniela, running, beautiful brown skin shining in the sunlight, big brown eyes full of joy, and her dark hair waving behind her as she approached. She was just as gorgeous and precious as I remembered. To embrace her was to know that I had made the right decision. I have faith that God will use me among these children in the months to come.